Meditation Monday – “We are in the shit!”
Bradyn’s surgery is less than a week away.
Bradyn’s surgery is less than a week away.
Bradyn’s surgery is less than a week away.
Excuse me while I vomit.
I get the most done when I am “in the shit”. Give me a well planned day with time allotted to write, clean house, do homework. I’ll give you a nap and not much else. Give me a sick kid, a house that needs to be rented, a move, a hospital stay, an impending surgery. I’ll give you a backlog of blog posts, 2 weeks of completed homework, a “while I’m out” project plan for work, and I’ll hit the theater just for giggles. I’ve been here before and it’s basically wheel spinning and nervous energy. Digging in and keeping busy is the way I cope. I like to call it “organization” but really it’s self preservation.
That said – WE ARE IN THE SHIT!
Bradyn’s surgery is in 4 days and I am terrified! All of his doctors have said all the right things. All the things that a mom wants to hear. It’s a relatively simple procedure that will only take a few hours. There is no reason to think that the anesthesia will counter act with his anti-seizure meds or cause any neurological incidents. They have also said (many, many times) that fixing what’s going on with his kidneys is going to help his overall health improve dramatically. What I am saying here is “This surgery is a good thing and AFTER is going to be wonderful”. Wonderful as in sunshine and happiness!
But the thought of them taking my baby out of my arms and into a room where I am not allowed to follow. Of them putting him to sleep and cutting him open. Is making me. Is making me…. absolutely crazy. Thinking about it is more than I can stand. I can’t even write the actual fears that I have. The thoughts that go through my head when I have a still moment. Seriously, you don’t want me too.
I’ve got that anxious feeling in my chest. Like an elephant is sitting on me and I can’t catch my breath. I can’t sleep. My mind wanders to places that I don’t want it to wander. I scold myself and focus on the good and the positive and the light but the bad thoughts are sneaky and they break through. I can’t carry on a conversation. I’m irritable. I’m snappy. I’m sullen. I’m quite.
Except when I’m with B. When I’m with him I put on my brave mommy face and I pretend that I’m strong and confident and that everything is going to be okay. We went to tour the hospital on Saturday so that he can feel more at ease on the day of surgery. He laughed and played and ran through the halls and I laughed with him. But when he ran ahead of me I had to stop for a second and pull it together. To swallow hard and will the tears back. Because I just don’t want this, any of this, to be happening.
What I want is to pick him up and kiss him and love him and hug him and make all of this go away. I mean REALLY! What kind of fucked up world are we living in where mommy kisses and shear will power can’t fix seizures and kidney damage?
So my friends – can you do what you do? Think good thoughts. Send positive vibes. Pray. Light a candle. Whatever it is that you do in these situations. Please do it and do it with enthusiasm.
K – Thanks
e
PS – It’s meditation monday and we are meditating. Check out the pic at top. That’s from bedtime Friday night. B couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sleep. I got out our eyebags and turned on a peaceful cd, he reached for my hand and was OUT.
9 Responses to “Meditation Monday – “We are in the shit!””
I am praying for you both! I know that those negative thoughts haunt us as parents. Just keep thinking positive and leave it in Gods hands. He will see & guide you through this episode.
Nicole is having surgery in July to have her wisdom teeth removed & I can’t stop thinking about them putting her under either.
We are with you and B. Thinking about you both. Praying about you both. Mamas do what Mamas do. All the things you do are natural and just right. Loving Mamas do all the right things. B is a lucky boy to have you. We are here for you should you need anything whatsoever. Support systems are for using. We’re here. Let us know. Keep on keepin’ on strong Mama! We will breathe with you again when you are telling us how great everything went. Because it will.
I do notice your phone on your midsection there though.. Does it have an “OM” app?? Faith girl. Faith. Love and many hugs (and a package is on its way).
-H
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Miss Vidal and Lauren Rosenfeld, Amakua Market Inc. Amakua Market Inc said: A new blog post from @ferg_e about preparing for 4 yo B's surgery http://bit.ly/eaKQgU [...]
I only thought I understood why Stephanie recommended that we be friends before. Now I COMPLETELY GET IT! Girl, we are cut from the same cloth. I completely understand and have felt everything you have written. Although Julia isn’t sick, PRAISE GOD, I have felt those things about my divorce and other things in this crazy life.
You are doing an awesome job. My church is praying for Braydn. I know that God is going to carry the two of you right through this. After they take him from your arms to surgery, you head right down to that chapel, sister. You pray and pray hard. I look forward to hearing a positive report on Thursday.
Please let me know if I can do anything at all to help you. If you’ll send me your address, through email, I’ll send dinner to you on the night of your choice. Maybe not having having to worry about something silly like food will alleviate just a little stress from you.
I am thinking of you both and praying too. This stuff is just so hard and there’s no way around it…just through it. I wish I could do more from here—I really just wish I could be there to help. After being in the hospital with Zane, I’ll never take that experience for granted… it was so so so hard, I think I had PTSD for a couple of months after it was over. I hope you’re doing all you can for yourself and I look forward to hearing from you when you can surface again. Hugs and love for you both.
Thinking of you and Bradyn and will be sure to focus energies on his wellness during surgery. Freak the hell out, please, and do some screaming if necessary. You’ve got all the right in the world to do so. Love the meditation pic.
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts!! Everything is going to go great.
[...] already know that Bradyn had surgery yesterday. If you didn’t know, you can read up on that here.He is doing good. He is still in a lot of pain but the morphine is helping. I’ll write more [...]