Friends and Family please welcome our very first guest blogger back for his blog series on dealing with heartache as part of our Chaos to Calm.
My dear friend Stu has been there for me through mess a plenty. And now it’s his turn. He and his soul mate recently broke up. We have all been there, some of us more than others. Some of us deal well, some of us go a little crazy but at the core, the feelings are the same. Break ups are hard and now that we are “grown-ups” they seem to be harder. BUT friends are constant and talking about our hurt helps mend it. So please show Stu your friendship and support in the comments! You know your wonderful. Right?
The past two weeks have been exploratory in nature; trying to figure out the levels of comfort-ability versus intimacy with the ex. We have probably had the best conversations of our relationship after the break up. I think right now, we’re struggling with the cadence and level of conversations we should be having. For me, conversations and talking come so much easier when there are no limitations. Honesty is easier when there are no expectations. Only problem is, when you’re in a relationship, you need to start thinking for two rather than one. This ain’t easy!! The truth hurts. Feelings get hurt. Relationships struggle.
In the past month, I’ve learned that dialogue not only happens between two people; it also happens internally. The conversations I have in my head tend to be more self-deprecating and critical than anything anyone has ever said to me. You ARE your own worst critic.The ex and I sat down again about two weeks ago. Our conversations always start off with the “niceities”, but we quickly slip into discussions. My ex is an artist and had donated a couple of his pieces to a fundraiser.
We met the day before and spoke. I am not necessarily an articulate person, and I would describe my ex as “organized chaos”. We had an intense and revealing conversation. Why can I let my guard down when I’m not with an individual, rather than be with someone and have trouble let them know me, as I am??? My ex is one of three people that has seen me cry in my life. I am an emotionally unavailable person to the outside folks, but he sees me, as I am, without judgement. Lightbulbs go off. My ex, although no longer my lover, is truly, my best friend. I’ve never meet and individual whose sentences I finish, literally.
Loving someone, and being in love are two seperate things. People tend to confuse the two. You can love someone with your whole heart, but you don’t necessarily feel the “I can’t live without this person” vibe. When you meet people, there is a chemistry between you and them. Sometimes the chemistry is sub-par, but sometimes you feel the pull in your gut. And following your gut is a lost art nowadays. Some people are meant to stay together forever. Some people are meant to be soul mates and not be lovers. Some people spend their entire lives searching. Some people settle. That, to me, is tragic.
I got to the fundraiser where my ex was showcasing his art about an hour after it had started. I am late to everything. I walked in and my ex was across the room standing in front of his pieces, talking to people. My ex tends to be awkward in social situations, but I stood there and shut up. He has started to find his cadence. He was magnificent to watch. We hung out through the event, and I let him know how proud I was of him. We grabbed a couple of drinks afterward and talked. We talked. No BS. No “how are you’s?”. We talked. I can’t describe it, but we talked. My ex is selling his condo, and as everyone knows, the market is a hot mess right now. I suggested we get a Saint Joseph statue and bury it in the front yard. We did it. He dug the dirt. I held the statue, and he planted it. We said the prayer together, although he read it out loud. Family- that’s what we’ve become.
I worried what his folks would think about me when we broke up? I worried how MY parents would react when we broke up. They were a bit incredulous about the break-up, but as good parents should do, they had our respective backs. One thing I’m struggling with now is intimacy. You can’t be with someone for three and a half years and expect to instantly turn off the emotions. It’s nice to wake up to someone. It’s nice to have that person who you text every day. It’s nice to have someone who gets you. It’s hard to lose that. It’s hard to be alone.
On a personal note, I wanted to thank everyone who has commented on my blog, and I would encourage you to share it with your friends. I also welcome any suggestions or input about relationships that anyone has. I’m an open book.